Now, I will freely admit that most of the bands on this list I absolutely detest. And there's a reason for that. It's not because I hate these bands for their looks or anything, but for their overall lack of musical genius. I just. Fucking. Hate them.
With a purple passion.
With each band, I'll explain why they suck so bad. Because if these musical shitburgers are what you call genius, then may I suggest that you are in dire need of a CAT scan.
10. Carlos Santana
Don't get me wrong. I like Carlos Santana. Does he have talent? Yes. Is it minimal at best. Not by a long shot. But Carlos' problem is that he hasn't innovated anything since the 70's. Same look. Same sound. Same Santana. It's gotten so bad for Carlos that he was doing stints with braindead musicians like Rob Thomas. No thanks.
9. Coldplay
Dafuq is this shit?
No. Seriously. Dafuq is that?
8. The Smashing Pumpkins
The only redeeming thing about Billy Corgan is that he spent his youth listening to bands like Rush. Somewhere along the line, someone actually convinced him that he really can sing and that he really has talent. The result was vapid, angsty music and not much else.
Awful. Just awful. The good news is that the band has faded into obscurity. See ya, Billy.
7. Sheryl Crow
What do you expect from a nitwit who wishes everyone would use just one piece of toilet paper after taking a dump? She is only ever-so-slightly talented than Tom Petty.
6. Beyonce
Holy sheep shit, I can hear it already.
"Beyonce!? Bitch, puh-lease!"
Last year, Beyonce released what is supposed to be a critically acclaimed album, "Lemonade." It has over sixty writer's credits and at least ten people to produce it. A lot of the album has samples from other shitty bands like Led Zeppelin, which I included in this list. In her song, "Don't Hurt Yourself," Beyonce included a sample from Led Zeppelin's, "When the Levee Breaks," which these rotten bastards plagiarized and passed off as their own song. So, it might not mean that Zep co-wrote the song with Beyonce but a sample stands as a credit, nonetheless. But at least she credited Zep for the sample.
Of course, Beyonce is not without her defenders like this braindead social justice warrior who infers that even criticizing Beyonce probably makes you a racist (without evidence, of course). Nevermind the fact that she has an entire army of writer's and producers for one album, doesn't play an instrument, or that many of her songs weren't even written by her in the first place. No, none of that matters. Just the fact that criticizing her makes you a racist; that's what really matters. Right, James?
Meanwhile, way back in 1977, Rush released "A Farewell to Kings." Six songs, three musicians, one lyricist, and one producer. That's it.
Comparing Beyonce to Rush is like comparing a Chevette to a Bugatti Chiron. There is no comparison.
And that's why Beyonce comes in at number six on this list. But hey, at least she really does have a lovely voice.
5. Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath
Ozzy Osbourne has consumed so many drugs and bitten the heads off of so many flying mammals that he's lost practically virtually every cell in that empty, cavernous hole he calls a brain. That being said, I *very* begrudgingly must admit that (I think I'm about to puke) Black Sabbath broke fresh ground in the nascent stages of metal and helped propel it to what it is today.
Perhaps its because I never saw them live (I wouldn't want to anyway), but I find it very amusing when I hear people in their 60's espouse their views on what metal really is and how it should sound.
4. Tom Petty
This stoned, tone-deaf, uninspiring asshole has about as much talent as a retarded amoeba. What's truly perplexing about Tom Petty is that, in spite of the fact that he has little if any talent, he continues to convince concert-goers to buy tickets to his shitty performances. You would figure for as big as he is, he would have at least five albums and twenty songs that hit number one, but he never has. Ever. But for reasons that even God can't comprehend, Tom Petty's shows sell out year after year.
"But you really need to listen to him," you say. Listen, the last time I gave Tom Petty the old, college try I went into a convulsive state that lasted for weeks. There's nothing good about Tom Petty, except the knowledge that one day he will rid us of his presence.
*UPDATE* 2/26/2018 - Tom Petty is dead. Couldn't care less.
3. Kiss
Any band that has to dress up in stretched leather, platform boots, shitty make-up, and write lyrics that degrade women in order to attract fans sucks shit and aren't worth your time. Let's see here...
"I...wanna rock and roll all ni-iight...and party ev-er-y day...
I...wanna rock and roll all ni-iight...and party ev-er-y day...
I...wanna rock and roll all ni-iight...and party ev-er-y day...
I...wanna rock and roll all ni-iight...and party ev-er-y day...
I...wanna rock and roll all ni-iight...and party ev-er-y day...
I...wanna rock and roll all ni-iight...and party ev-er-y day..."
Great lyrics, there, Gene. Or how about these lovely lyrics?
"Every damn time I walk through that door, it's the same damn thing.
That bitch bends over, and I forget my name - ow!"
Nice lyrics, asshole. You're a disgrace to music and humanity.
Anyway, not only are their lyrics shitty, so are their compositions. The chords progressions are a coma-inducing repetition of the same chords over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, usually consisting of a A, C, D, and E-minor (especially E-minor). Neither Paul Stanley or Ace Frehley would know what to do with a guitar if it weren't for E-minor.
Anyway, shitty lyrics. Shitty musicianship. Shitty band. And don't give me this, "But they're one of the hardest working bands ever!" bullshit.
Kiss sucks. End of story. Next?
2. Led Zeppelin
Oh, God, here we go. I can hear it now. "What? You don't like Zep, little man?" "Led Zeppelin the greatest band of all time. Fuck you, asshole!"
Three words, jocko. Fuck. Led. Zeppelin.
I'm not saying that Zeppelin isn't without its contributions and accomplishments, but face it - those things came at the expense of a great many musicians who had been dead long before Page and Plant ever embraced each other behind closed doors. If it weren't for their blatant plagiarism, Led Zeppelin would have earned my respect. But they've plagiarized their way to super-success, and for that, they'll never earn my respect.
John Paul Jones is respectable, but he's not the greatest bassist that ever lived.
John Bonham was a visionary, but he's not the greatest drummer that ever lived.
Robert Plant is an amazing vocalist, but he's not the greatest vocalist that ever lived.
Jimmy Page is a fucking thief. Period. Therefore, he's not the greatest guitarist that ever lived.
Compare Led Zeppelin to the Charlie Daniel's Band. You can't. There is no comparison because Charlie Daniel's shit has more talent than Jimmy Page has in his entire body.
Compare Led Zeppelin to Tool (in spite of the fact that Tool covers No Quarter). You can't. There is no comparison because Tool are far more progressive and experimental than Robert Plant on a opioid binge.
Compare Led Zeppelin to Marduk. You can't. There is no comparison because Jimmy Page just wishes he were a visionary of darkness. Marduk lives it.
Compare Led Zeppelin to Fallujah. You can't. There is no comparison because Andrew Baird makes John Bonham look like an infant that just happens to be sitting behind a drum kit with sticks in his hands. Bonham on his best day would never be even close to Baird even if he were on his death bed.
Compare Led Zeppelin to Dream Theater. You can't. There is no comparison because the difference between the two is like comparing a Chevette to a Bugatti Chiron. One sucks. The other doesn't.
In short, there is no such thing as "the greatest band of all time." And even if there were, Led Zeppelin wouldn't even come within thirty magnitudes of it. So, get it through your thick, naive skulls, fanboys and girls; Led Zeppelin, although they left a rather sizable footprint in the world of music, ain't shit. If they were, they never would have had to steal a single song then pass it off as their own.
So fuck Led Zeppelin on a cracker. Sideways.
1. The Fucking Beatles.
Yeah, the whole point of this post was to hate on the Beatles.
The Beatles' entire career practically hinged on three chords. The whisper-thin fellow below illustrates how so many idiots have been fooled into believing the so-called Fab Four actually had talent. Twenty-one of their biggest hits were written with three chords.
Three.
Fucking.
Chords.
Now, if that wasn't enough to piss you off then let's put things into perspective.
The Beatles came along at a certain time in history in which people had been more or less repressed in every way imaginable, especially sexually. By the time the Beatles were playing coffee shops and bars in Liverpool, the constant barrage of sexual and spiritual purity by the likes of shows Leave It To Beaver, Father Knows Best, I Love Lucy, The Donna Reed Show (Donna Reed...*swoon*), and The Honeymooners had young women everywhere aching to leave the confines of the kitchen and stifled bedroom and into something a bit more liberating and comfortable.
By the end of the 50's, women had simply had enough. Elvis Presley's scandalous hip thrusts started the revolution during the 50's. But along came four of the shittiest musicians who ever existed, with their bowl haircuts and boyish good looks, they eagerly exploited these womens' desires. They were darling in the public eye and women found them simply irresistible for reasons I will never understand. Much like the young women of today who worship this motherfucker:
At least the women in the 60's had an excuse. Fans of the Biebs have no such luxury.
Anyway, did you see what I did there? Is it starting to make sense now? That's exactly right. If you said, "You made me realize that there really never was anything to the Beatles to begin with," you're absolutely right. In other words, if The Beatles came out today, they would be no more significant that Justin Fucking Bieber, simply because both of them had a fan base that found them extremely desirable sexually without the slightest hint of any measurable talent.
And that's what it's all about with the Shittl...errrr...Beatles. Take away the coma-inducing, spastic head-bobbing, the bowl cuts, the drugs, the pseudo-intellectualism of John Lennon, the suits, and you're left with nothing more than the likes of Justin Bieber, New Kids on the Block, or even Hanson.
FUCKING. HANSON.
Now, if you're screaming at me in a fit of sheer rage and some sense of misplaced sense of self-righteousness, this can come from only one place. And that place is classic rock stations across the country. Chances are if you turn on the radio right now and turn the dial to a classic rock channel, you're going to hear one of the following bands:
Led Zeppelin (as a matter of fact, I JUST turned on DVE to prove my theory and "Hey, Hey, What Can I Do" came on)
The Beatles
Ozzy/Black Sabbath
Lynrd Skynrd (whom I admire, even though I'm not a fan)
Bruce Springsteen
Bob Seger
The Who
The Police
Yes
Rush (bow your head, damnit!)
The Eagles
The Grateful Dead (not even worth mentioning)
Guns N' Roses
Now, I'm not saying that these are the only bands that you'll ever hear on a classic rock station, but chances are that they'll be one of the first bands you hear.
And of those bands, you'll hear no more than five songs from them on average. Unless of course we're talking about Led Zeppelin or The Fucking Beatles, then they'll play every single song they ever written, had someone write for them, or flat-out stole. You know, in case you forgot that they're a thing.
Anyway, like I said, if you think that these are among the greatest bands this world has even produced, then you need to get out more often. There's more to life than classic rock and bands that are light years beyond The Beatles when it comes to pure talent.
I recommend you start with bands like Opeth, Ayreon, Dream Theater, Amplifier to see just how good music can really be. Your deprogramming begins now.
